Resentment is Addictive

This month- the first month of 2025, ever-so January- has been, objectively, pretty terrible.

Throughout my life, I’ve been a chronically negative person. However, in the past 10+ months, I’ve consistently been determined to ameliorate my own mindset regarding everything. I’ve tried doing this by being more open-minded, being kinder to people, and abandoning a pessimistic outlook on prospective events, such as starting college. I’ve succeeded in doing this, and I think I’ve become a much more positive person overall.

That being said, I cannot find any redeeming qualities from the past 28 days (I am absolutely dreading what the 29th, 30th, and 31st have in store for me). I’ve spent every night tossing and turning, checking my phone before throwing it across my bed, grabbing it again immediately after, feeling my heart drop and my back and arms curl into a cold sweat over the most minimal of things, etc… all in a cancerous, nightmare-inducing rotation, taking place in a world where time ceases to regulate normally.

Some of the things that have happened are my Mom and uncle’s persisting medical issues that have raised more questions than answers, belligerent arguments over text, some friends hurting me, grandparents’ dog dying- which impacts me so deeply because when my grandparents are sad, I’m absolutely gutted- and a talking stage that failed miserably (I should’ve expected that one).

Am I being dramatic? Probably. Still, I’ve tried dealing with unfortunate circumstance after unfortunate circumstance with a feigned stoicism… although that hasn’t worked out for me, because I’m still so, so angry.

To spare an obscene number of details, I will say that the worst thing to happen this month is the ending of a relationship that lasted 1.5 years. In this post specifically, I wanted to talk more about that relationship, the emotions I felt that have captivated me, and how I’m going to move forward with my life.

I’ve only ever gone through one other significant breakup in my life. That happened when I was 14 years old at the tail end of 2020. To say I found myself in a dark place during that time is equivalent to saying World War II was a small disagreement… it’s a harsh comparison, but a truthful one.

My most recent relationship was not only the longest one I’ve ever been in but, by far, the most serious. It was the first time I ever believed in a future with someone else. So, when I knew it was time to let the relationship go at the start of this year, I was left satisfied, yet so unsatisfied. I felt such immense relief, yet my anxiety was devouring me from the inside out. I was so happy it was finally over, yet I had never been so gutted in my life.

Like my breakup in 2020, my emotions weren’t black and white. Amid all of the contrasting feelings, I was everything yet nothing at the exact same time. Still, I wasn’t hurting deeply enough to stray away from what mattered, being school, my friendships, and my goals. I was so sure the pain would be brief.

Unfortunately, my healing process was tainted by immaturity on his end, to put it bluntly. This is where the unbridled anger suddenly found me. To explain as broadly as possible while still leaving room for context, he did something to “get my attention” shortly after the relationship was done with. For you to understand how mad I was, you’d have to literally be me. It’s not explainable by any stretch.

Ever since then, I’ve been strapped in a rollercoaster of regret, indignation, and pure despondency. Regretful, because suddenly, a relationship I had given my all into for over a year had been reduced to insignificance. Suddenly, I felt the need to condemn the relationship from my teenage years altogether. Indignation, because how dare I allow someone to treat me so poorly? And despondent, because I never thought we would end this way.

If I were a completely healed, perfectly curated human being, I would have stopped responding to the slew of apology messages I received from him. Instead, I decided to handle the situation by expressing… how angry I was. Suddenly, the resentment and contempt I felt for this person I once loved had become addictive. And in such a short period-of-time.

Breakups are never clean-cut and handled with perfect emotional assurance. That being said, it’s hard to break up with someone gently, kindly, even, just for it to spiral out of control after the fact. It’s seriously hard to believe that the relationship you were once in could shed its own insincerity, and expose itself as something that never meant anything after all. It’s even worse when the other person claims that that’s a fallacy all in your own head.

The resentment I’ve felt towards life lately has been extremely toxic and addictive. I’ve realized that, because of this breakup, I’ve allowed myself to resent absolutely everything going for me at the moment. I’ve been so pessimistic over this new semester, my friendships, my family, my schoolwork… I feel blown out. It’s all too much.

Nobody can be positive 100% of the time. It’s 100% okay to let yourself be sad, allow the emotions to consume you. Sometimes, peace may only come after you let it happen; and I certainly have. I am not against being sad over a breakup.

That being said, it’s not okay to resent everything else in your life over outside factors for long, extended periods of time. My life is absolutely not terrible, and I have no right to judge the entirety of 2025 over one lousy January. I respond negatively to negativity, ironically.

The point of this post is to remind the few people who will read this that too much of something is bound to become toxic. The negativity that has consumed me for the past month is taking the better things away from me. I don’t want to keep spiraling. My relationship is over. It ended well, until it didn’t. It hurts, and it sucks, but I’m not going to allow it to define me like I’ve allowed it to define my month. It’s a trap I recently fell into, and thankfully, I’ve become self aware early enough to crawl myself out of it.

Talking about things that are painful for me is incredibly therapeutic, and I hope somewhere along these lines, sense was somewhat made, somewhere. Thank you for reading.